Self-Defeating

I'm going to be honest. The last two weeks have sucked for me. I think I've lost my initial excitement about being able to run in the struggle to figure out how I'm going to be able to work it into my daily life. Here's the problem:

I cannot run inside on a treadmill. I hate it. It feels like a death sentence to me.

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to try to start running in my neighborhood yet. My neighborhood is very hilly, which can exacerbate any weaknesses I still have. Also, in order to run in my neighborhood, I would primarily have to run on sidewalks, which are much harder than asphalt. That could also exacerbate any joint problems I already have.

I CAN run on the bike trail downtown - it's flat and the surface is asphalt. BUT I'm not going to run on it when it's dark for safety reasons and I can only get there during daylight hours on the weekends.

So what are my options?

I could just try running in my neighborhood to see how it goes. Maybe it won't hurt as long as I keep the runs short and don't go every day. I could try running around the office where I work. It's relatively flat, but I'd still have the sidewalk issue. I could try running around a track, but I honestly think that will result in the same problem I have with the treadmill. I could also just focus on walking during the week and save running for the weekends. I don't really want to do that, though - I'm trying to build up my strength and endurance which means I need to start building up my mileage.

These are just excuses. If I'm really committed to running, I'm going to make it work one way or another. This morning I woke up and confessed to God that I've been lazy, discouraged, and living in fear. I'm hoping to turn this around.

I will run tomorrow.

Down, but not out

I must admit, I've been a little bit of a slacker this week. I skipped my work out Monday because I stayed up too late watching the Super Bowl. I also skipped my work out this morning because I worked out last night and thought I needed more than 6 hours to recover. But I had a really, really good work out last night, so I think it'll be okay. Plus, I'll at least do some of my PT exercises tonight at some point, so it's not a complete wash.

I've been struggling with self-pity for the last week. Being injured is difficult on several levels. In addition to the physical pain, there's also emotional and mental exhaustion that sets in, and I've been feeling the results of that recently. I'm very diligent about doing at least some sort of exercise every day. I know that the secret to getting better is to force my body to work hard and I'm committed to that. But it's monotonous. It's tedious. It takes a lot of time. It's exhausting (to work out in the mornings, I have to wake up around 4:30!). And I'm not seeing the results I want to, yet. As much as I try to stay positive, I'm feeling discouraged.

I fully understand that I'm not going to just bounce back like nothing's happened, but I feel like I have been putting the work in and sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to see the fruits of that labor.

It just so happened that we were studying Isaiah 41 in my Bible study last week. In this particular chapter, Isaiah is prophesying to the Israelites about events that are going to happen far into the future - he's telling them that they are going to be conquered and exiled, but that they don't have to worry because God has a plan for them. Isaiah goes on to encourage them by telling them (from the Lord):

“But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Although my situation is far different from being taken captive and exiled far away from my home for many, many years, these words of encouragement really struck me. I am exhausted, I am anxious, I'm scared, and I don't know what the future holds. But I do know the One that is more powerful, loving, and generous than anyone could ever imagine, and I know that I can trust the Lord with my discouragement, exhaustion, and fear. I can depend on him for strength and help.

Last night, I went to the gym and was able to take my time during my work out. I didn't have to rush to get through everything. After my weight-lifting and isometrics and stretching, I tried something I haven't done in a while - I got on the stationary bike. I completed a hill workout set at level 5 with absolutely no knee pain.

I can't run right now - that makes me a little sad. But I am thankful that my body is slowly getting back to a mostly functional state. If I take the time to look to God, I'll see that I really am progressing and getting stronger. It may not be on my timeline, but He has a plan for allowing me to use my body for His glory.