A little push

I'm in week 3 of marathon training. So far, so good. Even though I'm using the same schedule I used last year, there are a few things I'm doing differently. Primarily, I'm actually strictly following the schedule.

Last time, I went into training thinking that since I started above the baseline capability for distance, I would just keep running the distances I had been until the schedule caught up with me. I'm not sure if that contributed to me getting hurt or not, but it probably did put some additional, unnecessary strain on my body. I'm also actually doing the speedwork drills the plan recommends.

I've never been fast, and honestly, that was never my goal. I just wanted to be able to prove to myself that I could run 26.2 miles at one time, so distance was always what was important to me. That's still mostly what's important to me, but I want to be able to run those 26.2 miles in a time I can be proud of. I want to know that when all is said in done, I not only ran a marathon, but I ran the best marathon I could. So I'm doing the speed drills.

I don't like speedwork. It's hard. It takes a lot of self discipline. A lot of times I want to throw up. And a lot more times I want to quit. But I'm pushing myself to do it. And the fun part is that after only a few weeks of incorporating one day of speedwork, I'm starting to see some results.

I don't think I've magically gotten faster in these few weeks. But I do think that I'm more comfortable pushing myself as a result. I'm learning that I haven't been giving myself enough credit. I've allowed myself to get comfortable performing at a level that is nowhere close to my potential.

It makes me wonder where else in my life have I let myself become complacent? Where am I comfortably settling into mediocrity instead of pushing myself to achieve my full potential? To be honest, I could easily a dozen areas in my life where that's the case. Maybe running isn't the only area where I need to give myself a little push.

1 down, 19 to go!

I wasn't planning on an update today, but then I realized that it's been a week since my last blog post. Where has the time gone?!

To be honest, I don't feel like I have anything major to discuss or to note, but that in itself is noteworthy. I have finished my first week of official marathon training and I'm feeling good. I was nervous about increasing the frequency of my runs from 2-3 times a week to 5 times a week, but my knee seems to be holding out okay.

I guess the big reason I didn't feel I had much to write about was because I haven't had much that I was struggling with this past week. I've been looking forward to getting up and running, not trying to talk myself into just getting out of bed and putting my running clothes on. My head and heart have made a complete 180 from a few short weeks ago.

The funny thing is that these are the times that I should WANT to write about! The good feeling - when everything goes okay. I guess I take it for granted that there's no lesson to learn in these times, but there is! This is the pay-off for the frustration and difficulty that I've had to work through to get to this point. This is to be celebrated, and all praise directed to the Lord for His mercy.

On my run this morning, I remembered to thank God today for the strength He has given me, both physically and mentally. But I need to ask Him to also move my heart to cherish these good times and not take them for granted.

I have 19 weeks left to go. There's still plenty of time for things to go wrong, and plenty of opportunities to learn new lessons. For right now, I'll be thankful for the break!

Halfway

The last several months have been filled with uncountable frustrations and difficulties for me. Most of it was fueled by my injury and the havoc that wreaked on my daily routine. Regular exercise was out of the picture, and I was having a really hard time reigning in my eating habits. I've definitely struggled to maintain some control over my health, wellness, and fitness, and even though I managed to hang on without regaining all the weight I worked so hard to lose, I felt defeated.

I think I've reached a turning point in my efforts, though. For one thing, I'm excited about running again. It was a very strange experience to work so hard to be able to run and then not actually desire to go running once I was capable of it. I read an article in Runner's World recently that explained that some of that is related to fear of reinjuring yourself or of not being able to perform at your previous level, but most of it is simply because you're out of the routine. Hearing someone that had been a runner for two decades admit to the same struggle I was facing helped immensely.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've regained a lot of the enthusiasm for taking care of myself that I had lost. I've been eating much better, and I've been getting out and running on a more regular basis. This week I started my official marathon training. Following the prescribed schedule, I'll be cutting back on the distance of my long runs for a few weeks, but I'll be increasing my mid-week mileage (which means I'll be running five days a week instead of three). Having a schedule is good for me - it takes some of the pressure off of me to try to figure out what I should do/how far I should go.

I also have finally seen some significant results on the scale. I am now down 10 pounds from the most I weighed post-injury. I have about 10 more to go before I reach my pre-injury low (and unfortunately I had about another 15-20 to go before that). It took me six months to get back to this point. It was a difficult, emotionally challenging, frustrating six months, but being able to finally see these results validates the work, the determination, and the prayers that got me back here.

Maybe I'm halfway back to my pre-injury weight, but if I could measure the progress of my emotional and psychological health, my attitude, my heart, I think my spirit has progressed much, much farther than that. This experience has definitely tested my faith and determination, and I have a feeling that it will continue to test me. But I also know that every challenge we overcome makes us stronger, more confident, more faithful.

I make a point of praising God when I run. Maybe it hurts, maybe I want to throw up, maybe I'm tired and want to quit, but I'm capable of running, and I never regret the discomfort I went through once I'm back home.

Thank you, Lord, for my body that is strong and can run. Thank you for friends and family that have supported and encouraged me, especially when I was a depressed, emotional wreck. Thank you for showing me how strong I can be when I surrender my worries and cares to you.

Determination

I had an exciting breakthrough this week. I ran two days in a row for the first time in the last six months! Two back-to-back, muggy, sweaty 4.5-mile runs. It was exciting!

I'm going to be honest, though. I was not excited waking up two days ago for the second consecutive run. I was tired, I wanted to go back to bed, and my legs just felt heavy. But I had to get up to take the dogs out, then they wanted to eat, then they wanted to go on a walk. And I figured if I was going to do all that, I may as well just go ahead and do my run, too.

So I set out, and I had a really bad attitude going into it. The first three-quarters of a mile or so from my house is up a gradual hill, which is always a great way to start a reluctant run. And I kept telling myself that I wasn't in the mood and I probably wouldn't do it. But then I started thinking about a friend of mine.

My friend Jenn had knee surgery about a week after I did. We were never close friends, and we live in different corners of the U.S. now, but we were connected through facebook, we were both runners (her much more accomplished than I), and we were able to relate to the frustration of not being able to run due to injuries.

While my surgery and recover was pretty straightforward, Jenn experienced one setback after another. It has been six months now, and Jenn just ended up having a knee replacement to (hopefully) finally address the problems she's been having and get her back to living an active life.

During these last six months, I have had a lot of ups and downs. I've struggled with consistency and motivation. I've lost a lot of my innate desire to get up and go out for a run. It's been frustrating.

Something changed for me as I set out for my first two-in-a-row run, though - I started thanking God that I was even capable of putting one foot in front of another. Throughout all of her setbacks, Jenn has remained incredibly positive, encouraging, and faithful. And all this time I've been squandering the opportunities God has given me to glorify Him through my physical activity with a bad attitude.

My second run was tough. My legs felt heavy and dead. It was muggy and I was sluggish. But in a lot of ways, that has been one of my best runs, yet. Simply because I finally realized that my runs are not about me.

I run because I never thought I could. I run because other's can't. I run because it is a gift from God.

Are you tough enough?

I've been having a tough time getting back on track with my running schedule and establishing a healthy plan. Every time I think I may be having a breakthrough, I end up taking one big huge gigantic leap backwards. It sucks.

This weekend was no exception. I'm not going to get into any details, but the idea of giving up just seemed to overwhelm me. My head was full of thoughts like "it's no use," "you're not going to accomplish your goals," "you're too weak," etc. So understandably, I went into my work outs and the week believing these lies.

As a result, I've been struggling. I tried to run twice earlier this week. Both times, I've gotten a short distance away from home and gave up. It doesn't make sense that I can go from running 9 and 10 miles to struggling to run 3 or 4 less than a week later, but that's the power of the mind, for you.

To overcome the struggle, I have to understand and acknowledge these lies for what they are and who they come from. They come from Satan, and they are his attempts to prevent me from glorifying God.

One of the things I learned as I started to run, and then become serious about training for longer distances, was that if left to my own devices, I would not choose to take care of myself. I had to learn that it was not my strength, but strength from the Lord that would sustain me, in a very real, physical way. As I would run up a tough hill or be on the last leg of a long run, when I would want to give up, I would pray that the joy of the Lord would be my strength.

I think recently, in the midst of these struggles, I lost sight of that. I was drawing on my own power, instead of leaning on Lord's strength, and my power wasn't enough to sustain me.

I managed to get a shaky 4.4 mile run in this morning. Not my best run, not an easy run, but I accomplished the goal that was set before me for this morning. About a mile in, the song "Hangin' Tough" by the New Kids on the Block started playing on my iPod. The song asks, "Are you tough enough?" By myself, I'm not. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

It's not the heat, it's the humidity

Last week was slightly better than the previous week for me. I did two mid-week runs of four miles each, and then I had a very exciting long run on Sunday, which is what the bulk of this post will be about.

I am currently four weeks away from when I will start my formal marathon training. I'm going to use the same training schedule I used last year, I just will be running different routes (with fewer hills) and walking down any major hills that I may chance to encounter. I had a lot of doubts regarding whether or not I'd be ready to start training, but I am happy to tell you that those doubts have now been assuaged.

I was a little concerned that I would not be able to get a long run in this weekend because the weather forecast kept calling for storms all day Saturday AND Sunday. But when I woke up Sunday morning, the sky was clear and the sun was peaking out, so I brought my running clothes to church and made plans to go directly afterwards.

I got to the bike trail at about 10:30 am - I was thinking I would try to get in about eight miles, so I decided on a route and set off. The route I had chosen was a little more than seven miles, so I needed to add another detour on to make up the additional mile. I picked up a side trail that was about 1.2 miles to the end. I figured I could always just stop a mile from where I parked and walk back to the car. But it turns out I didn't have to walk. I ended up running 9.6 miles!

Because we were between thunderstorms, it was incredibly humid. I was drenched in sweat within half a mile probably. I also forgot about certain things I need to think about when it comes to long runs. 1) I really need to use vaseline on certain areas of my body to prevent chafing. It's usually just a problem where clothes rub certain ways, but it'll do me good to remember that in the future. 2) I have the hardest time eating anything for several hours afterwards. Fortunately for me, I didn't have a problem eating an excess of calories the previous day, so even though my consumption was light yesterday, I had plenty of fuel for my system. :)

The best part is that although my knee was sore yesterday, I woke up this morning with NO PAIN! I'm still going to be cautious with my training, but it looks like I may be able to accomplish my marathon completion goal this year. It's nice to have hope again!

Measuring Success

It's not a big secret that I'm a goal-oriented kind of girl. I do ridiculous things like register for marathons to motivate myself to stay active. As such, it's really, really important to me that I see progress on my way to accomplishing my goals. But progress is so subjective...

I am trying SO hard to get off the weight I gained when I got hurt. Until recently, I had a lot of mental hurdles I needed to overcome to get to a point where I felt more in control of my eating. Well, this past week, I really felt like I was on top of things. I had calorie deficits all but one day, I walked or ran five days out of the week, and I even passed on dessert when I took my mom out for dinner on her birthday.

Needless to say, I was actually excited to weigh myself yesterday morning to see how much progress I had made. Turns out that it wasn't that much. I was down about 0.4 pounds. Now, at least I was down, but still, I put in an awful lot of effort to see the scale "only" budge 0.4 pounds.

So what happens when you don't see the fruits of your labor? When your hard work doesn't show up in the outcome? I could easily throw my hands up in the air and give up. I want to do that a lot of times. But I have to remember how far I've come and I have to keep my goal in mind. Maybe I didn't make much progress this week, but all the small steps along the way lead up to big, measurable results as long as I don't give up my efforts.

On the plus side, I ran seven miles on Sunday and my pace was under 11 minutes per mile (down 27 seconds per mile from the week before). I might not see progress on the scale, but I am seeing it on the trail at least!

Mid-week Check-in

Hello, friends.

This will be a quick post, just to let y'all know (all three of you!) that I've more or less stuck to my plan this week. Well, aside from not doing anything Monday to give myself a rest day after running SEVEN miles Sunday, and not actually getting up most mornings, I've stuck to my plan. I went running Tuesday morning and last (Wednesday) night. I did get up to take the dogs on a walk this morning, but because one of the dogs is a nine-week-old puppy that I'm fostering for a few days, we didn't go very far... or very fast. But she's cute, and we took a long walk last night, so maybe the two combined equal one regular morning walk? I don't know. She did stop and whine and I had to carry her for a little while, so I got the added bonus of doing some upper body strength training! :)

I've been eating better this week, too. I'm not sure what changed, but I started believing in myself again this week, which I think gave me the determination to say no to things I knew wouldn't help me meet my goals.

I've also started asking for help when I need it. Last weekend, I went out to dinner with some friends and then they were planning on getting frozen yogurt afterwards. I let one of the girls know what I was planning to eat ahead of time and told her I was going to skip the yogurt completely. Know what? It helped! It's hard to admit that I struggle with certain things, but God definitely blesses those who are open about their struggles and ask for support. Every time I see the rewards, it gets a little easier.

So now the challenge is to continue to build the momentum. Having a good week is amazing, but I need this to lead into a good second, third, and fourth week, too.

Committing

I have a confession, friends. I have not been fully committed to regular runs, strength training, or a healthy nutrition plan. I've been running, I've been trying to eat well, but I haven't been committed. My efforts have been very half-hearted. Enough to keep me going, but not enough to help me progress in my goals. This has to change.


The biggest problem is that I haven't really been planning. I might make a loose plan ("I think I'm going to try..."), but nothing I've fully thought out, and therefore, nothing I've stuck to. I've let myself derail on my diet a number of times more than I can readily recall. It's been frustrating and discouraging, and I've wanted to throw in the towel so many times. The only reason I haven't is because I know what the outcome will be: 224 pounds.


I'm going into the upcoming week with a plan. 1) I will get up early each morning. I will run the neighborhood route on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I will walk a shorter route on Tuesday and Thursday. 2) I will go to the bike trail Saturday and get a long-ish run in. 3) I will not use social occasions as permission to indulge in foods that will not help me meet my goals. I'm going to dinner and frozen yogurt with some friends this weekend. I have already let one of them know what I am eating for dinner and that I will be passing on the frozen yogurt. It sucks that I have to rely on telling someone else to keep me accountability, but that's my reality right now, so there you have it. 4) I will NOT continue to give in to unplanned indulgences. I don't have any specific mechanism in place to accomplish this, but I am bound and determined to beat this behavior.


The good news is that I have fully committed to a half marathon in September and a full marathon in October. I know I'm capable of taking better care of myself than I have been, I just need to tap back into that will-power to move forward.

I have the best running partner

I'm not going to lie - I hate running with other people. I have a few reasons for this. I'm an introvert, so running is a good opportunity for me to be alone with my thoughts. It's also really good prayer time for me. I also tend to be a bit on the slow side (especially since my injury), and I feel a little self-conscious running with other people for that specific reason.

But, there are definitely benefits to having a running partner. They offer accountability, motivation, and encouragement. And they also give you extra incentive to get out of bed early in the morning.

I have the perfect running partner. She's ready to run whenever I am. She doesn't try to talk to me. She always lets me set the pace. She doesn't whine about big hills. She doesn't give me a hard time if I need to walk on occasion, although she might try to urge me along if I have to stop to retie my shoelaces.

The only problem is that she likes to chase cats and scavenge for food scraps that people throw out their car windows. But I guess I can live with that.

Is there anything more motivating than new shoes?

Because my hips were so weak, when I went in to the fancy pants running store to get fitted for shoes last spring, I was told I was a severe over-pronator. That meant that my feet tended to collapse in when I ran. The kind folks at Riverside Runners hooked me up with some sweet Brooks that corrected my over-pronation woes and I was on my way. I loved those shoes. They made me feel like a real runner. They felt good on my feet. And they resolved a lot of the joint problems I was experiencing at the time. Then I got hurt. I went to physical therapy. And I was told that there was nothing wrong with the pronation in my feet - all the weakness was coming from my hips and that I should be wearing a neutral shoe and working on strengthening my hips. That was several months ago.

Now that I'm starting to be able to run consistently again, I thought it was about time to actually follow the advice of my therapist. So on Saturday, cash in hand, I went back to the running store to find a new pair of shoes.

After explaining my situation and challenges to the saleswoman (the girl who helped me the very first time I bought shoes there!), I ended up trying on six different pairs of shoes. Out of all of those shoes (all sized for wide feet!), there was exactly one pair that did not rub against the little toes of my left foot. And based on that fact alone, I am now the proud owner of some sort of Saucony shoes that look an awful lot like my Brooks.

I finally got a chance to try them out this morning. So far, so good!

And hey, if nothing else, dropping $100 on new shoes in and of itself will motivate me to get out the door for a while!

Self-Defeating

I'm going to be honest. The last two weeks have sucked for me. I think I've lost my initial excitement about being able to run in the struggle to figure out how I'm going to be able to work it into my daily life. Here's the problem:

I cannot run inside on a treadmill. I hate it. It feels like a death sentence to me.

I'm not sure if it's a good idea to try to start running in my neighborhood yet. My neighborhood is very hilly, which can exacerbate any weaknesses I still have. Also, in order to run in my neighborhood, I would primarily have to run on sidewalks, which are much harder than asphalt. That could also exacerbate any joint problems I already have.

I CAN run on the bike trail downtown - it's flat and the surface is asphalt. BUT I'm not going to run on it when it's dark for safety reasons and I can only get there during daylight hours on the weekends.

So what are my options?

I could just try running in my neighborhood to see how it goes. Maybe it won't hurt as long as I keep the runs short and don't go every day. I could try running around the office where I work. It's relatively flat, but I'd still have the sidewalk issue. I could try running around a track, but I honestly think that will result in the same problem I have with the treadmill. I could also just focus on walking during the week and save running for the weekends. I don't really want to do that, though - I'm trying to build up my strength and endurance which means I need to start building up my mileage.

These are just excuses. If I'm really committed to running, I'm going to make it work one way or another. This morning I woke up and confessed to God that I've been lazy, discouraged, and living in fear. I'm hoping to turn this around.

I will run tomorrow.

The rhythm of running

I have a confession. I'm in a rut. I was so excited to be able to start running again, but I'm having trouble finding my rhythm again. I think a lot of it has to do with the amount of planning and preparation it takes to go on a run now.

Before I got injured, I would basically put on my shoes and walk out the front door. That was it. If it was a short run, I could take Abby with me and she would get some good exercise in with me. Otherwise, I would take her on a short walk first, drop her off at the house, and go on my way. It's not that easy any more, though.

First of all, I have to do a lot more to maintain my body in a condition where I'm able to run. In addition to time spent running, I have to spend time doing core strengthening and stretching and resting and icing. Second, I can't just walk out my door and go on a run because my neighborhood is too hilly. I have to drive somewhere else, somewhere mostly flat with no downhills. Because of the inconvenience imposed, I've found it difficult to get back into a routine.

I'm thankful that we have some nice bike trails in the area so I'm not completely confined to a treadmill, but I'm smart enough to know that running those trails alone when it's dark is a bad idea. So during the week, I'm largely stuck running on a treadmill, which mostly feels like torture for me.

I think a lot of the struggle I'm having right now is centered around the fact that I don't have a clear plan. I know I want to be healthy enough to start training for a marathon later this year, and I think I will be considering I ran five miles yesterday. But I don't have a specific schedule laid out right now that I'm trying to follow. My goal for this week will be to develop a schedule so I have some structure.

The initial thought I'm having is to stick to the trails and treadmill until I'm regularly running 6 miles or so without pain. Then I can start incorporating neighborhood and hill workouts into my schedule once or twice a week. I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable running down hills again, but I can always walk those if I need to.

I need to try to remember that this situation is only temporary. By being conservative now, I set myself up for long-term success, which is the most important goal. I'm just tired of not being completely, 100% myself. I'm tired of all these restrictions. I'm looking forward to finding my rhythm again.

To God be the Glory

Last week I was feeling really discouraged about not seeing progress in my running ability. It's sad how often I sell God short. If I had just been patient one more teensy little week, my discouragement would never have surfaced. Know why? Because I was able to run this weekend!!!!

It was a beautiful weekend for February in Virginia. Way too pretty to stay inside. So Abigail (my dog) and I set off for the bike trail down town to go on a nice long walk on Saturday. The section we were walking is about 2.75 miles in one direction, so 5.5 miles "round trip." I hadn't planned on running, but it was such a pretty day, and we were out anyway, that I thought I would just try it and see what happened. And lo and behold, 3/4 of a mile later, my knee was just starting to twinge a little!

We went back Sunday morning (after church, of course) and this time I ran a full mile on the way out, and a full mile on the way back! And then I had yesterday (Monday) off, so we went back again and I ran TWO FULL MILES! It wasn't fast, and I'm sure it wasn't pretty, but it was running for a legitimate distance - the farthest I've been able to run since I started having problems in September! My knee was a little achey after that, but I iced it when I got home and I woke up this morning without any pain. Praise the Lord, oh my soul!

I'm incredibly excited for this development, but I think my challenge now is going to be to not push myself too hard too quickly. I need to be content with two miles for right now. I also need to make sure I continue to incorporate strength training and stretching into my regular exercise routine. It's been a long, difficult process to recover from this injury. I want to make sure I don't have to go through it again!

To God be the glory, great things He has done!

Rest for the Weary

I'm going to be honest. I'm a little cranky this morning. I've been having problems with my neighbor's dog. It barked incessantly from the time I got home at 9:30 pm until I eventually fell asleep with a pillow held over my head around midnight. Turns out that even though it's a violation of the local noise ordinance, the police can't charge anyone with anything if no one's home to sign for the violation. So that meant I went to bed last night listening to the soothing sound of a large dog barking.

I have to make a confession. I haven't done any type of physical activity since Sunday. That includes my PT. I've been tired and my knee's been hurting. I took Abby (my dog) for a long walk on Sunday morning after church, and my knee hurt all day afterwards. So I decided to take a little break, give my knee some rest, and diligently applied ice. It's still a little achey, but the pain has dissipated significantly. I have a feeling that it's a result of the inclines and declines, as small as they are. My neighborhood is not exactly flat, and the slopes exacerbate any problems. So for right now it looks like I'm sticking to tracks and the treadmill which means Abigail doesn't get to go on anymore long walks for the time being.

I'm planning on heading to the gym tonight after work. I really, really need to get back into a regular PT and strength-training routine. I feel okay about taking a few days off. I was getting frustrated by not seeing the results and my schedule was wearing on me. It's tough to get up at 4:30 am, especially when the neighbor's dog is keeping me up well past my normal bedtime. But I can't let that become a habit. I've been struggling with my knee problems for too long to give up now. Six months, in fact. I haven't been able to run since September 2010.

A few weeks ago, one of my Bible Study Fellowship questions asked about an area in your life where you were feeling exhausted by trying to control a situation. For me, this is it. I'm tired of getting up early, of being stuck in a gym instead of pounding the pavement, of feeling self-conscious about spending 45 minutes on a floor mat in the back of the fitness center at the Y, of being sore, of not being able to function normally. I'm tired of the monotony and tediousness of my PT.

The solution? Don't try to control the situation - trust God with it. I can't control when my body will be healed, or even if it will be healed. All I can do is continue to do the PT and trust God with the outcome. I'm still going to be tired, and I'm still going to get frustrated from time to time, but I have the source of infinite power to draw strength from. When my energy is depleted, I can rest in the arms of a loving God who loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. All of me. Even my knee.

All on my own

Before I get started with my regular blog, there are a few loose ends I should wrap up. First, I'm doing a good job incorporating my nine servings of fruits and vegetables into my diet. Considering that a serving is really just half a cup (a full cup for leafy greens), most whole fruits and vegetables count for more than one serving. It really hasn't been that bad. Second, I'm doing a horrible job at cutting out sugar. I thought I had it yesterday, but it got the better of me. I'm going to have to come up with some strategies to quit cold turkey, though. I'm glad I never started on drugs or cigarettes - I'd never be able to quit! I'm still trying to seriously limit my sugar intake, though, so I'll keep y'all posted on how that goes.

I had my LAST visit with Dr. Gondi (on this particular issue - I'll be keeping him busy for years with other ailments) last Friday. I really like him. He gave me a hug. :) And he fixed me! I'm still experiencing some pain on the lower part of my knee, but it's not what was hurting before, so it's most likely muscular pain and some minor tendinitis that will hopefully resolve itself as I continue to get stronger. With that determination, he officially released me. That means I no longer have a doctor or a physical therapist.

It's a little overwhelming to me, to be honest. I don't feel like I'm ready to be on my own. I still have knee pain and I still can't really run. I have the tools to keep getting better on my own, but I feel like it's a lot of responsibility that I'm not quite ready for. I asked Wanda how I'd know when I was able to run, and she said, "You just try it and if it hurts, you stop." That's so scary to hear. I want to be able to run again so badly, but I'm terrified that I'm going to try too soon and re-injure myself.

Do I really know my body well enough to know when I'm pushing too hard or not hard enough? Have I learned enough during this process to understand how to interpret different kinds of pain? I guess I'll find out one way or the other.

Usually when I write these posts, it's because I've had some sort of realization or moment of clarity related to understanding why my injury occured or what lessons I can learn and apply from the experience. Today, all I have is a lot of confusion, questions, and fears. I'm nervous, and I'm overwhelmed. Despite that, I'm going to trust that the exercises Wanda gave me are going to continue to make me stronger.

And if all else fails, I know a great orthopaedic doctor...

You could be doing that at home

Yesterday was Monday. And it was the first Monday morning in over a month that I didn't spend in physical therapy at the orthopaedic center. I've been diligent about going to the gym the last couple of weeks, and I was excited that I could really establish a routine now. The weightlifting (still upper body only for weights) has been going well - I'm getting more confident going into the weight room by myself - and I've been able to add brisk walking into the mix.

It's nice to have the option to add some different activities to my morning routine, but I also need to make sure I'm incorporating the strengthening and stretching exercises for my legs. So in between lifting my whopping 10 and 15 pound weights and walking at a brisk pace of 4.0 mph, I've been spending a fair amount of time in the back corner of the gym with the floor mat.

I don't do the same thing every day - I try to make sure that throughout the week, I'm getting most of my exercises in. Sometimes I use their stability ball, but for the most part, it's just me and the floor mat. In the middle of doing some side planks yesterday, one of the gentlemen I frequently see in the morning made the comment, "You could be doing that at home."

It's true - I could be doing all those things at home. In fact, for a long time, I did do them at home. But there's something different about doing them at the gym. It feels like there's more of an investment. At home, I find excuses to stop early or to put my exercises off. At the gym, I have a chunk of time that I've already set aside for that specific purpose.

There's also a certain amount of social pressure at the gym. Not really in the sense that other people care about what I'm doing, but in the sense that I care how I look in case anyone else is watching. I'll push myself harder at the gym. I'll hold my planks for the full 30 seconds instead of giving up at 20. I'll make sure I hold my wall sits for a full 10 seconds, and that I do all 20 repititions of the swiss ball bridges, even though my hamstrings are screaming.

The other people at the gym don't know what my goals are, and I'm sure they don't care. But because there's a possibility that someone could be paying attention to anything that I'm doing, I'm going to push myself just a little bit harder.

Yes, I could be doing that at home. But I do it much better at the gym!

Graduation Day

Yesterday was my last day of physical therapy. While I'm going to miss Wanda, I am excited that I've progressed enough to be completely personally responsible for my recovery from this point forward. This is where my motivation and drive will really be tested. Do I want my recovery badly enough to put in the hard work without any external forces pushing me? Right now, I do. But sometimes the larger goal gets lost in the monotony of the daily tedium, so it's going to take some will power.

However, it's been really exciting to see the progress I've made, and I think being able to experience the tangible results of my hard work will provide an awful lot of incentive. When I first started therapy after my surgery, I could only partially bend my knee, I experienced pain walking up and down stairs, and I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes at a time. Today I walked down a flight of stairs with no pain and I walked on a treadmill for 2 miles. And yesterday I actually ran! It was only for 30 seconds on the treadmill, and that was long enough for me to feel some pain in my knee and realize I wasn't ready yet, but still, I ran!

I'm definitely not in the clear yet. Even though I'm done with PT, I'm in no way close to being healed. This is just one benchmark along the road to recovery. There's still a possibility (and a pretty good likelihood if I'm honest with myself) that I'll experience setbacks and pain and frustration. But that's kind of the point of a benchmark, right? Despite those setbacks, I have a mark in place that lets me know I've progressed.

I'm looking forward to continuing my progression and establishing new benchmarks. For right now, though, it's just nice to be on the treadmill again.

Nine a day?!?!

Typically, I use this blog to talk about my physical activity. That's definitely an important part of my recovery. However, as I have been unable to do any real rigorous physical activity the last several months, I've also noticed that I have not been very careful regarding my nutrition. As I'm able to start using my body more and more, I'm also trying to focus on improving the quality of the foods I eat. This has proved to be very, very challenging for me!

While on Weight Watchers, I did a pretty good job planning my meals, sticking to my daily points, and writing down everything I ate. Then I started slacking about writing everything down. And then I started slacking about sticking to my daily points. And then I stopped planning out what I was going to eat ahead of time. And then I gained back 15 pounds.

I really wanted to lose that 15 pounds again before I started attempting to run again, but it's been an incredibly difficult challenge. A lot of what motivated me to eat well is knowing that I need certain nutrients to fuel my body for long runs. When I had to stop running, I lost a lot of my motivation. Now I'm trying to get back to practicing good eating habits. It honestly SHOULD be motivated by my desire to be healthy - I should just WANT to do things to take care of my body, especially when I know that I feel better, stronger, happier when I make good choices. But at the same time, our bodies learn to crave certain foods.

For me, making good choices involves two types of thinking. 1) Mind over matter. Yes, I want sugar and fat, but I just need to decide to stop eating those things for a while and eventually it will become easier to resist those types of foods. 2) I feel good about myself when I make good choices. I can do more things, I have more energy, and I'm more pleasant to be around. I have to endure the first type of thinking for a while, and then hopefully I'll get into a rhythm and the second type of thinking kicks in. I have a secret, though - I'm not there yet!

My roommate recently informed me that the food pyramid requirements have changed and that we're now supposed to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day (a serving is 1/2 cup for everything but leafy greens; a serving size of leafy greens is 1 cup). As a disclaimer, I have not verified this information. To be honest, I think that's a little bit unrealistic to tell the general public they need nine servings of fruits and vegetables when most of us probably aren't even getting the five they previously required in on a consistent basis. But I've been eating a lot of junk food and I want to focus on "detoxing" my body from all the sodium and sugar I've been feeding it, so I'm game to give it a try for a week.


What this means is that for the next week, I'm going to focus on more vegetable- and bean-based meals. I made eggplant parmesan and roasted brussel sprouts last night, which should last for a few days. (I honestly have never really eaten eggplant or brussel sprouts before; I'm not really sure why I decided to focus on two new foods at the same time, but hopefully it'll work out okay.) That should give me about four servings. I have applesauce every day with my lunch, which brings me up to five servings. I was going to get bananas to put in my oatmeal, but the grocery store was out of them for some reason last night. But that will give me at least two more servings. So now I just need to fit in two more servings somehow. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm also going to try really, really hard not to have desserts or pre-processed foods for the next week. In general, I don't believe in depriving yourself of things you really enjoy. However, I have a hard time satiating my sweet tooth, so I think it's better for me to stay clear of it for a while before I can trust myself to enjoy a reasonable portion at a time and not go overboard.

Besides, I don't think I'm going to have many free calories left over after eating all those veggies!

Balancing Act

Balance. It's something we learn as tiny babies. First we learn to sit up without falling over. Then we learn to stand. Then walking. We learn to jump, to stand on one foot, to hop, skip, lean forward or side to side, and we learn to run. All of these activities require balance. It should be something that is second nature to each of us.

Eventually, we learn to understand that balance is integral to stability. And not just in a physical sense. We have to learn to balance work and play, extracurricular activities, time with ourselves and time with others. We have to learn to balance priorities.

I learned an important lesson last week in physical therapy - my balance was off. I had no idea. I was doing what seemed like a simple exercise when Wanda pointed out that I was leaning back - I thought I was leaning forward. Then my very generous friend Mark agreed to help me get started lifting weights at the Y. He realized my left shoulder was several inches higher than my right; when he corrected me, I felt like I was literally leaning to the left.

This was an important realization. Think about it - if my balance is off just standing up which puts extra strain on certain areas, think about the strain that I was putting on my body when I was running 30 and 40 miles per week. When runners start putting in long runs of 15 miles or so, it's pretty typical for fatigue to set in and for their form to collapse. This happens when the core weakens. Well, I was never actually using my core to effectively support myself, which means for the entire distance of my runs, I was overly reliant on the wrong muscles.

So now an integral part of my therapy is focused on improving the strength of my core muscles. Some of the exercises I like, some of them I don't, but before I can run again, I need to learn to sit, stand, and walk correctly. I need to relearn how to balance correctly - a lesson I learned for the first time about 30 years ago. That's a lot of retraining!

This got me thinking about other areas of my life, though. Are my priorities in balance? How about the way I spend my time? What I think about? Where I place my trust? My emotional stability?

I'm learning to rebalance physically, but I don't want to waste the momentum I have right now to miss the opportunity to rebalance emotionally, spiritually, and mentally as well. I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I'm not always good about taking the necessary steps to work through my weaknesses. I know that I struggle with staying motivated to eat well, but I continue to focus my efforts on "powering through it" instead of addressing the underlying reasons why. Maybe it's because my balance is off and I'm relying on the wrong spiritual and emotional muscles. As I learned, I can get away with being off balance in the short-term, but it leads to major complications in the long-term.

Physically, I need to focus on strengthening my core. I need to strengthen my spiritual core, too.