Halfway

The last several months have been filled with uncountable frustrations and difficulties for me. Most of it was fueled by my injury and the havoc that wreaked on my daily routine. Regular exercise was out of the picture, and I was having a really hard time reigning in my eating habits. I've definitely struggled to maintain some control over my health, wellness, and fitness, and even though I managed to hang on without regaining all the weight I worked so hard to lose, I felt defeated.

I think I've reached a turning point in my efforts, though. For one thing, I'm excited about running again. It was a very strange experience to work so hard to be able to run and then not actually desire to go running once I was capable of it. I read an article in Runner's World recently that explained that some of that is related to fear of reinjuring yourself or of not being able to perform at your previous level, but most of it is simply because you're out of the routine. Hearing someone that had been a runner for two decades admit to the same struggle I was facing helped immensely.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've regained a lot of the enthusiasm for taking care of myself that I had lost. I've been eating much better, and I've been getting out and running on a more regular basis. This week I started my official marathon training. Following the prescribed schedule, I'll be cutting back on the distance of my long runs for a few weeks, but I'll be increasing my mid-week mileage (which means I'll be running five days a week instead of three). Having a schedule is good for me - it takes some of the pressure off of me to try to figure out what I should do/how far I should go.

I also have finally seen some significant results on the scale. I am now down 10 pounds from the most I weighed post-injury. I have about 10 more to go before I reach my pre-injury low (and unfortunately I had about another 15-20 to go before that). It took me six months to get back to this point. It was a difficult, emotionally challenging, frustrating six months, but being able to finally see these results validates the work, the determination, and the prayers that got me back here.

Maybe I'm halfway back to my pre-injury weight, but if I could measure the progress of my emotional and psychological health, my attitude, my heart, I think my spirit has progressed much, much farther than that. This experience has definitely tested my faith and determination, and I have a feeling that it will continue to test me. But I also know that every challenge we overcome makes us stronger, more confident, more faithful.

I make a point of praising God when I run. Maybe it hurts, maybe I want to throw up, maybe I'm tired and want to quit, but I'm capable of running, and I never regret the discomfort I went through once I'm back home.

Thank you, Lord, for my body that is strong and can run. Thank you for friends and family that have supported and encouraged me, especially when I was a depressed, emotional wreck. Thank you for showing me how strong I can be when I surrender my worries and cares to you.

Are you tough enough?

I've been having a tough time getting back on track with my running schedule and establishing a healthy plan. Every time I think I may be having a breakthrough, I end up taking one big huge gigantic leap backwards. It sucks.

This weekend was no exception. I'm not going to get into any details, but the idea of giving up just seemed to overwhelm me. My head was full of thoughts like "it's no use," "you're not going to accomplish your goals," "you're too weak," etc. So understandably, I went into my work outs and the week believing these lies.

As a result, I've been struggling. I tried to run twice earlier this week. Both times, I've gotten a short distance away from home and gave up. It doesn't make sense that I can go from running 9 and 10 miles to struggling to run 3 or 4 less than a week later, but that's the power of the mind, for you.

To overcome the struggle, I have to understand and acknowledge these lies for what they are and who they come from. They come from Satan, and they are his attempts to prevent me from glorifying God.

One of the things I learned as I started to run, and then become serious about training for longer distances, was that if left to my own devices, I would not choose to take care of myself. I had to learn that it was not my strength, but strength from the Lord that would sustain me, in a very real, physical way. As I would run up a tough hill or be on the last leg of a long run, when I would want to give up, I would pray that the joy of the Lord would be my strength.

I think recently, in the midst of these struggles, I lost sight of that. I was drawing on my own power, instead of leaning on Lord's strength, and my power wasn't enough to sustain me.

I managed to get a shaky 4.4 mile run in this morning. Not my best run, not an easy run, but I accomplished the goal that was set before me for this morning. About a mile in, the song "Hangin' Tough" by the New Kids on the Block started playing on my iPod. The song asks, "Are you tough enough?" By myself, I'm not. But I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Rest for the Weary

I'm going to be honest. I'm a little cranky this morning. I've been having problems with my neighbor's dog. It barked incessantly from the time I got home at 9:30 pm until I eventually fell asleep with a pillow held over my head around midnight. Turns out that even though it's a violation of the local noise ordinance, the police can't charge anyone with anything if no one's home to sign for the violation. So that meant I went to bed last night listening to the soothing sound of a large dog barking.

I have to make a confession. I haven't done any type of physical activity since Sunday. That includes my PT. I've been tired and my knee's been hurting. I took Abby (my dog) for a long walk on Sunday morning after church, and my knee hurt all day afterwards. So I decided to take a little break, give my knee some rest, and diligently applied ice. It's still a little achey, but the pain has dissipated significantly. I have a feeling that it's a result of the inclines and declines, as small as they are. My neighborhood is not exactly flat, and the slopes exacerbate any problems. So for right now it looks like I'm sticking to tracks and the treadmill which means Abigail doesn't get to go on anymore long walks for the time being.

I'm planning on heading to the gym tonight after work. I really, really need to get back into a regular PT and strength-training routine. I feel okay about taking a few days off. I was getting frustrated by not seeing the results and my schedule was wearing on me. It's tough to get up at 4:30 am, especially when the neighbor's dog is keeping me up well past my normal bedtime. But I can't let that become a habit. I've been struggling with my knee problems for too long to give up now. Six months, in fact. I haven't been able to run since September 2010.

A few weeks ago, one of my Bible Study Fellowship questions asked about an area in your life where you were feeling exhausted by trying to control a situation. For me, this is it. I'm tired of getting up early, of being stuck in a gym instead of pounding the pavement, of feeling self-conscious about spending 45 minutes on a floor mat in the back of the fitness center at the Y, of being sore, of not being able to function normally. I'm tired of the monotony and tediousness of my PT.

The solution? Don't try to control the situation - trust God with it. I can't control when my body will be healed, or even if it will be healed. All I can do is continue to do the PT and trust God with the outcome. I'm still going to be tired, and I'm still going to get frustrated from time to time, but I have the source of infinite power to draw strength from. When my energy is depleted, I can rest in the arms of a loving God who loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. All of me. Even my knee.

Down, but not out

I must admit, I've been a little bit of a slacker this week. I skipped my work out Monday because I stayed up too late watching the Super Bowl. I also skipped my work out this morning because I worked out last night and thought I needed more than 6 hours to recover. But I had a really, really good work out last night, so I think it'll be okay. Plus, I'll at least do some of my PT exercises tonight at some point, so it's not a complete wash.

I've been struggling with self-pity for the last week. Being injured is difficult on several levels. In addition to the physical pain, there's also emotional and mental exhaustion that sets in, and I've been feeling the results of that recently. I'm very diligent about doing at least some sort of exercise every day. I know that the secret to getting better is to force my body to work hard and I'm committed to that. But it's monotonous. It's tedious. It takes a lot of time. It's exhausting (to work out in the mornings, I have to wake up around 4:30!). And I'm not seeing the results I want to, yet. As much as I try to stay positive, I'm feeling discouraged.

I fully understand that I'm not going to just bounce back like nothing's happened, but I feel like I have been putting the work in and sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to see the fruits of that labor.

It just so happened that we were studying Isaiah 41 in my Bible study last week. In this particular chapter, Isaiah is prophesying to the Israelites about events that are going to happen far into the future - he's telling them that they are going to be conquered and exiled, but that they don't have to worry because God has a plan for them. Isaiah goes on to encourage them by telling them (from the Lord):

“But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Although my situation is far different from being taken captive and exiled far away from my home for many, many years, these words of encouragement really struck me. I am exhausted, I am anxious, I'm scared, and I don't know what the future holds. But I do know the One that is more powerful, loving, and generous than anyone could ever imagine, and I know that I can trust the Lord with my discouragement, exhaustion, and fear. I can depend on him for strength and help.

Last night, I went to the gym and was able to take my time during my work out. I didn't have to rush to get through everything. After my weight-lifting and isometrics and stretching, I tried something I haven't done in a while - I got on the stationary bike. I completed a hill workout set at level 5 with absolutely no knee pain.

I can't run right now - that makes me a little sad. But I am thankful that my body is slowly getting back to a mostly functional state. If I take the time to look to God, I'll see that I really am progressing and getting stronger. It may not be on my timeline, but He has a plan for allowing me to use my body for His glory.

Why me?

It's a simple question, but it gets asked often, usually when we're faced with some sort of challenge or difficult situation that we don't want to deal with. We wonder, "Why did this happen to me?" When I hear someone use this phrase, there's usually an implication that it should have happened to someone else.

Well, I don't generally think that way. When I ask "Why me?" it's usually to examine my own behavior, motives, or actions to determine what I may have done that resulted in the less than ideal outcome. Getting injured led to a lot of these questions.

I hope my friends all know that my faith is very important to me. I strive and struggle to be a woman of God, but like everyone else in this world, I am a flawed being and often fall short. Whenever adversity strikes, my tendency is to go back and examine my life to determine whether it was actually caused by something I did. Did I get injured because I was spending too much of my time focusing on running and not using that time to spend with God? Was I taking too much credit for my meager accomplishments instead of turning that towards God? Was I taking time away from something else God wanted me to be doing instead? Was God using this to get my attention?

Honestly, I don't know the answers to those questions. But I also don't think those are the right questions to ask. My injury definitely was caused by something I did, at least in a physical sense. But the more important question to ask is "What am I going to do about it now?"

I'm a big fan of J.R.R. Tolkien. My favorite quote from the Lord of the Rings is when Frodo is talking to Gandalf. Frodo has taken possession of the ring of power and is realizing that he has a very difficult task before him. Frodo tells Gandolf that he wishes the ring had never come to him. Gandalf responds by saying, "So do all who live to face such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

So what am I going to do about the time that has been given to me? I'm going to learn and grow from it. I'm going to be stronger, smarter, healthier, and more well-rounded. I'm going to trust God to heal my body, and turn that glory back to Him. I'm going to thank God every time I'm able to take a step without pain, everytime I feel my legs shaking after a grueling physical therapy session, every time I even consider hitting the snooze button instead of getting up for my morning work out. I'm going to thank God for the ability to use my body again.

I'm going to give up on the "why me" and focus on the "what now."