Down, but not out

I must admit, I've been a little bit of a slacker this week. I skipped my work out Monday because I stayed up too late watching the Super Bowl. I also skipped my work out this morning because I worked out last night and thought I needed more than 6 hours to recover. But I had a really, really good work out last night, so I think it'll be okay. Plus, I'll at least do some of my PT exercises tonight at some point, so it's not a complete wash.

I've been struggling with self-pity for the last week. Being injured is difficult on several levels. In addition to the physical pain, there's also emotional and mental exhaustion that sets in, and I've been feeling the results of that recently. I'm very diligent about doing at least some sort of exercise every day. I know that the secret to getting better is to force my body to work hard and I'm committed to that. But it's monotonous. It's tedious. It takes a lot of time. It's exhausting (to work out in the mornings, I have to wake up around 4:30!). And I'm not seeing the results I want to, yet. As much as I try to stay positive, I'm feeling discouraged.

I fully understand that I'm not going to just bounce back like nothing's happened, but I feel like I have been putting the work in and sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to see the fruits of that labor.

It just so happened that we were studying Isaiah 41 in my Bible study last week. In this particular chapter, Isaiah is prophesying to the Israelites about events that are going to happen far into the future - he's telling them that they are going to be conquered and exiled, but that they don't have to worry because God has a plan for them. Isaiah goes on to encourage them by telling them (from the Lord):

“But you, Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, ‘You are my servant’; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Although my situation is far different from being taken captive and exiled far away from my home for many, many years, these words of encouragement really struck me. I am exhausted, I am anxious, I'm scared, and I don't know what the future holds. But I do know the One that is more powerful, loving, and generous than anyone could ever imagine, and I know that I can trust the Lord with my discouragement, exhaustion, and fear. I can depend on him for strength and help.

Last night, I went to the gym and was able to take my time during my work out. I didn't have to rush to get through everything. After my weight-lifting and isometrics and stretching, I tried something I haven't done in a while - I got on the stationary bike. I completed a hill workout set at level 5 with absolutely no knee pain.

I can't run right now - that makes me a little sad. But I am thankful that my body is slowly getting back to a mostly functional state. If I take the time to look to God, I'll see that I really am progressing and getting stronger. It may not be on my timeline, but He has a plan for allowing me to use my body for His glory.

All on my own

Before I get started with my regular blog, there are a few loose ends I should wrap up. First, I'm doing a good job incorporating my nine servings of fruits and vegetables into my diet. Considering that a serving is really just half a cup (a full cup for leafy greens), most whole fruits and vegetables count for more than one serving. It really hasn't been that bad. Second, I'm doing a horrible job at cutting out sugar. I thought I had it yesterday, but it got the better of me. I'm going to have to come up with some strategies to quit cold turkey, though. I'm glad I never started on drugs or cigarettes - I'd never be able to quit! I'm still trying to seriously limit my sugar intake, though, so I'll keep y'all posted on how that goes.

I had my LAST visit with Dr. Gondi (on this particular issue - I'll be keeping him busy for years with other ailments) last Friday. I really like him. He gave me a hug. :) And he fixed me! I'm still experiencing some pain on the lower part of my knee, but it's not what was hurting before, so it's most likely muscular pain and some minor tendinitis that will hopefully resolve itself as I continue to get stronger. With that determination, he officially released me. That means I no longer have a doctor or a physical therapist.

It's a little overwhelming to me, to be honest. I don't feel like I'm ready to be on my own. I still have knee pain and I still can't really run. I have the tools to keep getting better on my own, but I feel like it's a lot of responsibility that I'm not quite ready for. I asked Wanda how I'd know when I was able to run, and she said, "You just try it and if it hurts, you stop." That's so scary to hear. I want to be able to run again so badly, but I'm terrified that I'm going to try too soon and re-injure myself.

Do I really know my body well enough to know when I'm pushing too hard or not hard enough? Have I learned enough during this process to understand how to interpret different kinds of pain? I guess I'll find out one way or the other.

Usually when I write these posts, it's because I've had some sort of realization or moment of clarity related to understanding why my injury occured or what lessons I can learn and apply from the experience. Today, all I have is a lot of confusion, questions, and fears. I'm nervous, and I'm overwhelmed. Despite that, I'm going to trust that the exercises Wanda gave me are going to continue to make me stronger.

And if all else fails, I know a great orthopaedic doctor...

Graduation Day

Yesterday was my last day of physical therapy. While I'm going to miss Wanda, I am excited that I've progressed enough to be completely personally responsible for my recovery from this point forward. This is where my motivation and drive will really be tested. Do I want my recovery badly enough to put in the hard work without any external forces pushing me? Right now, I do. But sometimes the larger goal gets lost in the monotony of the daily tedium, so it's going to take some will power.

However, it's been really exciting to see the progress I've made, and I think being able to experience the tangible results of my hard work will provide an awful lot of incentive. When I first started therapy after my surgery, I could only partially bend my knee, I experienced pain walking up and down stairs, and I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes at a time. Today I walked down a flight of stairs with no pain and I walked on a treadmill for 2 miles. And yesterday I actually ran! It was only for 30 seconds on the treadmill, and that was long enough for me to feel some pain in my knee and realize I wasn't ready yet, but still, I ran!

I'm definitely not in the clear yet. Even though I'm done with PT, I'm in no way close to being healed. This is just one benchmark along the road to recovery. There's still a possibility (and a pretty good likelihood if I'm honest with myself) that I'll experience setbacks and pain and frustration. But that's kind of the point of a benchmark, right? Despite those setbacks, I have a mark in place that lets me know I've progressed.

I'm looking forward to continuing my progression and establishing new benchmarks. For right now, though, it's just nice to be on the treadmill again.

Balancing Act

Balance. It's something we learn as tiny babies. First we learn to sit up without falling over. Then we learn to stand. Then walking. We learn to jump, to stand on one foot, to hop, skip, lean forward or side to side, and we learn to run. All of these activities require balance. It should be something that is second nature to each of us.

Eventually, we learn to understand that balance is integral to stability. And not just in a physical sense. We have to learn to balance work and play, extracurricular activities, time with ourselves and time with others. We have to learn to balance priorities.

I learned an important lesson last week in physical therapy - my balance was off. I had no idea. I was doing what seemed like a simple exercise when Wanda pointed out that I was leaning back - I thought I was leaning forward. Then my very generous friend Mark agreed to help me get started lifting weights at the Y. He realized my left shoulder was several inches higher than my right; when he corrected me, I felt like I was literally leaning to the left.

This was an important realization. Think about it - if my balance is off just standing up which puts extra strain on certain areas, think about the strain that I was putting on my body when I was running 30 and 40 miles per week. When runners start putting in long runs of 15 miles or so, it's pretty typical for fatigue to set in and for their form to collapse. This happens when the core weakens. Well, I was never actually using my core to effectively support myself, which means for the entire distance of my runs, I was overly reliant on the wrong muscles.

So now an integral part of my therapy is focused on improving the strength of my core muscles. Some of the exercises I like, some of them I don't, but before I can run again, I need to learn to sit, stand, and walk correctly. I need to relearn how to balance correctly - a lesson I learned for the first time about 30 years ago. That's a lot of retraining!

This got me thinking about other areas of my life, though. Are my priorities in balance? How about the way I spend my time? What I think about? Where I place my trust? My emotional stability?

I'm learning to rebalance physically, but I don't want to waste the momentum I have right now to miss the opportunity to rebalance emotionally, spiritually, and mentally as well. I'm pretty open about my struggles, but I'm not always good about taking the necessary steps to work through my weaknesses. I know that I struggle with staying motivated to eat well, but I continue to focus my efforts on "powering through it" instead of addressing the underlying reasons why. Maybe it's because my balance is off and I'm relying on the wrong spiritual and emotional muscles. As I learned, I can get away with being off balance in the short-term, but it leads to major complications in the long-term.

Physically, I need to focus on strengthening my core. I need to strengthen my spiritual core, too.

Decision Time!

I got an email two days ago that makes me very excited and apprehensive at the same time. The email was from the Marine Corps Marathon and it was my deferment letter. Since I got hurt last year and couldn't run, I had the option to defer my registration until the next year. Well, the next year's now here!

My PT is going very well, but I still haven't run since September of last year, and I don't know how long it's going to be before I can start running again. Is it possible that I can go from 0 to 26.2 in ten months? What about nine months? Eight? And perhaps the more important question: Is it safe for me to attempt this again so soon after my surgery?

My goal is definitely to avoid making the same mistakes this time around. When I start running again, I want to be smart and healthy about it. I'm already working towards that goal with the work I'm doing in PT. I know a marathon is in my future, but is it in my future for 2011?

I sure hope so. On January 19, I'm registering for the 2011 Marine Corps Marathon.

Why me?

It's a simple question, but it gets asked often, usually when we're faced with some sort of challenge or difficult situation that we don't want to deal with. We wonder, "Why did this happen to me?" When I hear someone use this phrase, there's usually an implication that it should have happened to someone else.

Well, I don't generally think that way. When I ask "Why me?" it's usually to examine my own behavior, motives, or actions to determine what I may have done that resulted in the less than ideal outcome. Getting injured led to a lot of these questions.

I hope my friends all know that my faith is very important to me. I strive and struggle to be a woman of God, but like everyone else in this world, I am a flawed being and often fall short. Whenever adversity strikes, my tendency is to go back and examine my life to determine whether it was actually caused by something I did. Did I get injured because I was spending too much of my time focusing on running and not using that time to spend with God? Was I taking too much credit for my meager accomplishments instead of turning that towards God? Was I taking time away from something else God wanted me to be doing instead? Was God using this to get my attention?

Honestly, I don't know the answers to those questions. But I also don't think those are the right questions to ask. My injury definitely was caused by something I did, at least in a physical sense. But the more important question to ask is "What am I going to do about it now?"

I'm a big fan of J.R.R. Tolkien. My favorite quote from the Lord of the Rings is when Frodo is talking to Gandalf. Frodo has taken possession of the ring of power and is realizing that he has a very difficult task before him. Frodo tells Gandolf that he wishes the ring had never come to him. Gandalf responds by saying, "So do all who live to face such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

So what am I going to do about the time that has been given to me? I'm going to learn and grow from it. I'm going to be stronger, smarter, healthier, and more well-rounded. I'm going to trust God to heal my body, and turn that glory back to Him. I'm going to thank God every time I'm able to take a step without pain, everytime I feel my legs shaking after a grueling physical therapy session, every time I even consider hitting the snooze button instead of getting up for my morning work out. I'm going to thank God for the ability to use my body again.

I'm going to give up on the "why me" and focus on the "what now."

It all started when...

Most of my close friends know that I've gone through a major transformation in the last year and a half. I've struggled for most of my adult life with weight management. In the summer of 2009, I started Weight Watchers and also started running again (I picked up running off and on since I was in college). Over the course of about six months, I had lost 65 or so pounds and to my surprise, was actually sticking to a regular running regimen for a period of more than just a couple of months. I felt amazing, and I was enjoying the benefits of having a strong, healthy body for the first time since high school.

When I began running in 2009, my initial goal was to build up my stamina to run the Virginia 10-Miler in September of 2010. It seemed like a lofty goal when I could barely run half a mile without getting winded. I was surprised at how quickly my body was able to build up stamina, though, and I ended up running a 10-Miler in April of 2010. With that goal behind me, and with the entire summer to train, I set my sights on a much loftier goal: a marathon in October 2010.

I did my research, downloaded my training schedule, and stuck it to the refrigerator. I was doing great - sticking to my workouts, getting my long-runs in, focusing on my nutrition. For three months, I adhered to my schedule, building my long runs up to 18 miles, and I realized that I was going to be able to run 26.2 miles in another two months. I felt amazing!

Well, I mostly felt amazing. My right knee was the exception. I started noticing the pain when I was running down a big hill one day on a 10-mile run. Not a big deal - aches and pains are normal when you're putting that kind of strain on your body. I came home, took a few advil, and took it easy for the rest of the day.

The next day I went running again, and got the same pain in my knee. I cut my run short and came home and took some advil. I took it easy for a few days, thinking I would be fine after some rest. I didn't want to miss any long-runs, though, so at the end of the week, I laced up my shoes, grabbed my water bottle, and headed out the door for a 19-mile run. Eight miles in, the pain came back, but I kept going. That was the last time I was able to run.

After that, I tried again a few times, but the pain came back after about a mile and I would have to stop and go home. I knew it was a problem with my IT band, so I made an appointment with the orthopeodic center and they confirmed my fears. The marathon was out and running was on hold.

I worked with an amazing physical therapist for a month. Although I was following the program she created for me, I wasn't experiencing the relief I was looking for. After that, the doctor tried a cortizone shot - it worked for a couple of weeks, then all of a sudden, the pain increased. I couldn't walk down stairs, walk around the block, or even swim without pain in my knee.

I ended up stopping all forms of exercise - everything hurt! It was incredibly frustrating and I could feel myself slipping into a mild depression. I'm very goal-oriented, and I felt a little lost without a specific goal to be working towards. I also felt myself slipping back into my old eating habits. I struggled to keep off the weight I lost, but I still started putting a few pounds back on. I was terrified that without my ability to run and exercise, I would regain all the weight I had worked so hard to lose.

I went back to the doctor and he told me the one thing I didn't want to hear: my injury was going to require surgery. As much as I was looking forward to experiencing relief from the pain, I was also very nervous. Surgery was my last hope - if this didn't work, I was out of options.

With a lump in my stomach and barely holding back tears, I walked to the scheduling center and set the date.